“Party pooper” Assad’s chemical weapons attack spoils warfare for the rest of us: Trump

This article is satirical.

US President Donald Trump has defended a coordinated airstrike of a Syrian airbase near the city of Homs, saying that his Syrian counterpart Bashar Al-Assad is trying to ruin conventional warfare for everyone else.

“He’s a giant party pooper,” President Trump told reporters at his Mar-a-Lago estate in Florida.

“We’re all just trying to have a good time bombing civilians with our arsenal of ordinary missiles and cluster bombs and he just fucks it all up with his sarin gas schtick,” he said.

“It was in my national interest to intervene as quickly as possible so that we could get back to murdering innocent people without all this negativity.”

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson chimed in, saying President Assad should stick to barrel bombing hospitals and busy marketplaces.

“Frankly, it’s embarrassing, it crosses the line,” he said.

“There was a friendlier time when the targeted and collateral damage dished out by Syrian forces was as wonderfully humane as the United States’

“Things really have changed.”

More than 80 civilians lost their lives in the north-west province of Idlib early last week following a chemical weapons attack allegedly carried out by Syrian warplanes.

Adiva Ghani’s husband and two children were victims of the strike.

“It’s not fair, it’s just not fair” she told local journalists in Idlib.

“My neighbour’s entire extended family was killed by a barrage of vacuum bombs last month and that was a lot of fun for the whole community.

“Why did my little angels have to die like this?

“Chemical weapons are uncool and wrong.

“They should have been struck down in crossfire or obliterated by landmines like thousands of my other luckier countrymen.”

Despite the global outcry, President Trump said there is a silver lining to the bloodshed.

“If Assad, Moscow or the Iranians retaliate, we’ll just go in with even more force,” he said.

“We’ll happily return the Syrian people to an era of purely ethical airstrikes and violence, like they’ve been yearning for.

“It’ll be tremendous.”

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